The Evolution of Annie Li
An American-born Chinese who discovered herself amidst the bustling college city of Boston, MA.
Rushing to do her makeup in front of her gold-framed vanity mirror, Annie Li—a junior in Hospitality at Boston University—gets ready for a busy Monday with “Motion Sickness” by Phoebe Bridgers playing in the background. The sky-blue walls of her chaotically messy bedroom are decorated with a vintage poster of old matchstick boxes, an Alpha Phi Fraternity banner, and a Chinese head statue blowing bubbles out of its mouth. The smell of leftover Fan Qie Chao Dan (Annie’s favorite Chinese tomato and egg dish) seeps into her room from the microwave in the kitchen. A normal Monday in her week consists of four back-to-back classes at SHA (Boston University’s School of Hospitality Administration) from 10:10 AM to 2:15 PM, a workout at her local Equinox in Back Bay, and a quick hangout with her best friends Miri, Audrey, and Ashley to end the day off.
When Annie was only three years old, she moved to North Carolina from Ithaca, NY, and—growing up in a predominantly white environment—she faced various challenges trying to figure out her identity as a child. However, after overcoming these struggles growing up in the South as the only Asian American family in her high school, we can see that sometimes being raised in an environment where your cultural background is not represented can shape you to become resilient and open-minded.
Born and raised in Mainland China, Annie’s parents gave birth to her and her older sister in Ithaca, NY, shortly after attending graduate school at Cornell University. Although Chinese is both of her parents’ first languages, Annie speaks Chinglish (a mix of Chinese and English) to her mother and English to her father at home. She has visited China a few times, but even then, she was extremely young. Growing up and having spent almost her whole life in North Carolina, Annie has been nicknamed a “banana” for as long as she can remember—an analogy for being yellow on the outside and white on the inside.
Like any other American-born Chinese, Annie’s “banana” personality often attracts comments from people saying she’s either too American or not Asian enough: “I know the way I present myself like how I dress and behave can seem really whitewashed to people, but that’s genuinely all I’ve ever known.” The stigma and unfair treatment she received from her peers were a persistent struggle she endured throughout her entire childhood growing up in the South.
Something as simple as bringing a packed lunchbox with rice or chopsticks could easily instigate her peers to make fun of her for being Asian. Kids in her high school “constantly and repeatedly” bullied Annie for having small eyes or joked around about hiding their pets at home in case Annie wanted “to eat their dogs or cats.” All these occurrences led to her experiencing an all-time low in high school with depressive and anxiety disorders creeping deeper and deeper into her life.
As a coping mechanism for her down-sloping mental health, Annie began largely rejecting her Asian-ness and forcing herself to conform to her surrounding culture despite knowing that “her deep feelings of resentment would never fully fade.” She started bringing Lunchables to school instead and masking every aspect of her culture to avoid being a subject of laughter for her peers.
A large part of Annie’s rejection of her culture was due to the continuous bullying from her classmates, but another huge contributing factor was her mom’s “resentment towards being Chinese” and the way she would speak poorly about China. From a young age, Annie watched her mother express negative attitudes toward Chinese culture, and it translated into her feeling extremely insecure and ashamed about sharing the same identity. “A lot of times I would stay up at night wondering who cursed me for being Asian like what did I do to deserve this?
Eventually, Annie met her best friend Kimmy in her sophomore year—another teenage girl who fell victim to the chronic bullying and harassment of being a person of color at her high school. Annie “always got along better with other people of color” because they could relate “so well on racial interactions” like how they’ve “been treated growing up as a minority in the South.” Kimmy made Annie feel less alone because it was “almost as if [they] had a mutual understanding between them.” Their friendship helped Annie transpire out of her depression and block out her classmates’ critical views on her background—gradually helping her view her identity and culture in a more positive light.
Despite the traumatic experiences of being bullied, looking back now, Annie strongly believes that “all the pain she experienced growing up” not only helped her appreciate her culture now but also shaped her overall identity today. While it may seem carefully planned out, when Annie chose to attend Boston University in her senior year, the consideration of going to a diverse school did not even cross her mind because she felt like she could conquer anything after high school: “Here’s the thing, I’m mentally aware that diversity is important but, in my mind, I didn’t care about it at all because of what I’ve already been through.”
Sadly, 15.8% of students reportedly experience racially motivated harassment or bullying in the United States (11 Facts About Racial Discrimination). On top of that, race-based bullying has been shown to correlate with the development of poor physical and mental health in students—something Annie also faced in high school. According to Erikson’s Theory of Psychosocial Development, the 5th stage of identity versus role confusion between the ages of 12 and 18 is imperative because it determines your perception of identity and self. If an adolescent is unable to fully explore different options of who they want to be and distinguish a distinct self-image, feelings of uncertainty and confusion about their individuality often arise (Cherry). Racially influenced bullying may seem far-fetched in our current generation, but experiences like Annie’s still occur and can be detrimental to teenagers growing up. While Annie was able to come out of the adversity and gain new insights into her character, not everyone’s experiences may turn out similarly.
Fortunately, Annie’s newfound journey of attending Boston University and meeting other ABCs with similar cultural backgrounds opened the doors to her slowly embracing her Asian roots. She can still recall experiencing a huge culture shock when she first moved to Boston because she “had never encountered so many Asians in her life before.” At the same time, though, it felt super comforting for her “to see American-born Chinese students from different areas of the US” walking down Commonwealth Ave just like her. After maturing and reflecting on her childhood, Annie “wouldn’t change anything” because she realized that—as cliché as it may sound—her Asian identity is truly what makes her her. Coming to BU has made Annie fully accept her Chinese background because she “just feels more like part of the majority” here at BU. “I still get pretty uncomfortable when I go back home and random people stare at me at local Targets, but it’s nice having Asian friends at BU who get it without me having to explain anything, you know?”
Beyond finally feeling content with her identity, Annie has also found her place on campus through leadership roles and social organizations. She is the Vice President of Finance for her sorority Alpha Phi and the Dean’s Research Assistant in the School of Hospitality Administration at BU. Although she overcame her challenges of being racially stigmatized in high school, she still occasionally faces challenges in college. Joining Alpha Phi as the only other Asian girl in her sorority’s pledge class, part of Annie will always think of herself as a diversity pick. “These thoughts of self-doubt have certainly gotten better after moving here, but they never truly go away and still resurface from time to time.” Embracing the beautiful aspects of her culture also comes with accepting the not-so-pretty sides. Annie knows her “unique experiences living in the South” have given her more perspective on life and sculpted her into “a stronger woman today.”
Time and time again, Ashley Englert, Annie’s roommate and big in Alpha Phi, has witnessed Annie’s resilience coming out of the hardships from her past. “I know what Annie has been through back home, and I’ve genuinely never seen someone with so much strength and such a big heart at the same time.” With people coming to university from all facets of the world, it may be difficult to fathom what someone has fought through to uncover their identity. At first glance, Annie may seem like another white-washed Asian American. However, the truth is you won’t ever truly know someone’s experiences simply by looking at them on the surface.
Even though Annie has learned to embrace the Asian side of herself, she hasn’t “let go of the ‘white-er’ parts of her personality.” Annie emphasizes that despite everything, the memories of her childhood living in the South weren’t all ugly. The life-long friends she’s made, the support from her family, and the environment of North Carolina still make her youth a very fond recollection.
“At the end of the day, I still love where I grew up, and I’m grateful I was able to experience my childhood in such a beautiful place like North Carolina. Like I definitely used to wish I was white, but because I love my parents, I could never not be Asian… it’s forever a part of me.
